Conducting Difficult Conversations
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Nobody dreams of laying someone off, telling their team that a project has been cancelled, or giving a poor performance review. But difficult conversations are a part of your job as a leader. And while you might not enjoy them, there are some best practices you can follow to handle the interaction calmly and professionally, and minimize the stress — for yourself and the other person.
Let me walk you through the process.
Get right to the point
First, be prepared to get right to the point when you start the meeting. No beating around the bush, no chatting about the weather. People can often tell when the conversation they’re about to have might be difficult, and any unnecessary chit-chat just adds to their stress.
Clarify purpose and outcome
So how do you start the conversation?
By stating the purpose and outcome for the meeting. Let the person know why you are having the discussion and what you’d like to walk away with.
For instance, “I called this meeting so that we can discuss changes to the organization and how they impact you and your project. I’d like to give you information on what that looks like and I’d like to get your initial reaction on how we might adapt to this new situation”.
Or, “I called this meeting to discuss a performance issue I’m seeing. I’d like to let you know what I observe, get your understanding of the issue, and come up with a plan for how to change the behavior moving forward.”
Provide specifics
Next, dive into the heart of the conversation by communicating the information you have with as many specifics as possible.
For example, with a performance issue, state the behavior you’re observing with detailed examples, and let the person know why it’s a problem. Then be clear about what you’d like to see instead and by when.
And please: no feedback sandwiches! A feedback sandwich is where you offer positive feedback, then negative, and then something positive again to make it all digestible. “Hey, you’re doing such a good job leading the project! But you’ve got some communication issues! But keep up the good work!”
Feedback sandwiches dilute the message and confuse the listener. “Oh I’m being praised! Oh wait, am I being called out on something? Oh wait, it’s okay again. I think.”
Get their input
Once you’ve clearly and directly communicated the information you have, let the other person contribute their own thoughts. Ask questions to make sure that you understand their perspective and that they understand what is being communicated to them.
Determine a solution
Finally, move towards resolution. Get mutual and detailed agreement on what the next steps are, including commitments on both sides. Afterwards, document the conversation and hold the other person accountable to their stated goals.
Summary
As a last note, remember that practice makes perfect. The more you learn to handle difficult discussions, the easier they get, and the less time and energy you spend worrying about them. One of my clients recently said to me, “Hey, yesterday, I had to deliver a performance improvement plan, and it went great. Everyone understood what needed to happen, and we’re all moving forward. I’ve done a bunch of these over the years, and I just don’t stress out about them any more.” My client felt great that she could handle what used to keep her up at night.
So don’t hide from these discussions. Accept that they’re a part of work life, prepare well for them, and learn what you can from them and embrace the opportunity to practice. You will survive. And you might even become a better manager (and person) in the process.
© Jennine Heller and J Heller Coaching. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jennine Heller and J Heller Coaching with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. • Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
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